Are You Free, or Are You Just Not Trapped Anymore?

For the past two years, my word has been freedom.

Not success.

Not growth.

Not achievement.

Freedom.

Which is a little funny because from the outside, I probably looked free already.

I had built the life I once dreamed about. I had my doctorate. I owned my own business. I controlled my schedule. I did meaningful work helping people heal. I wrote books. I created a career based on my values.

The younger version of me would have looked at this life and said, “You did it.”

And she would have been right.

But something interesting happens when you finally build the life you worked so hard to create.

Sometimes you realize freedom has layers.

The first layer of freedom is often escape.

Freedom from the job you hated.

Freedom from financial instability.

Freedom from unhealthy relationships.

Freedom from needing someone else’s permission.

And those freedoms matter.

But then comes a quieter question:

Now what?

Once you are no longer trapped, are you actually free? I see this often in my work as a psychologist. People spend years climbing mountains they were told mattered, only to reach the top and realize they never stopped to ask if they wanted to live there. They built successful careers but feel empty. They created stable lives but feel disconnected. They accomplished everything on the checklist but still feel like something is missing. That feeling can be confusing because there may be nothing obviously wrong. And sometimes that is exactly what makes it harder. When life is falling apart, the problem is usually clear. When life looks “good,” questioning it can feel ungrateful.

But growth is not only about escaping pain.

Sometimes growth is about admitting that something good has served its purpose and that you are now ready for something different.

Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan developed Self-Determination Theory, which posits that human well-being is closely tied to three psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and connection (Deci & Ryan, 2000). In other words, humans do not thrive simply because life looks successful from the outside. We thrive when we feel that we have agency, that we are growing, and that our lives reflect who we truly are.

That is the deeper freedom.

Not just:

“I can leave.”

But:

“I can choose.”

For me, freedom has become less about creating a life I need to escape from and more about creating a life I want to wake up inside.

That shift has changed the questions I ask myself.

Not:

“Am I doing enough?”

But:

“Does this still align?”

Not:

“Would other people approve?”

But:

“Does this feel true?”

Not:

“Can I handle carrying this?”

Because, let’s be honest, many of us can handle a lot.

We have gold medals in handling things we probably should have put down three laps ago.

The better question is:

“Do I actually want to keep carrying this?”

That is a very different conversation.

Freedom requires responsibility because once you stop blaming circumstances, expectations, or other people, you have to acknowledge your own choices. And that can be uncomfortable.

Sometimes the cage door has been open for years, but we are still sitting inside because the cage is familiar. Familiar does not mean fulfilling. Predictable does not mean peaceful. Comfortable does not always mean aligned.

Real freedom requires listening honestly to yourself.

It requires noticing the places where you say:

“I have to,” when the truth is: “I am choosing to.”

And if you are choosing it, you also have the power to choose differently.

Try This

If you are wondering whether you are truly free or simply comfortable, start here.

1. Notice Your “Have Tos”

What it is: Paying attention to the places where you feel trapped or without options.

Why it works: Language reveals beliefs. Many things we call obligations are actually choices we have stopped consciously making.

How to do it: When you say, “I have to,” pause and ask:

“Is this truly something I have to do, or is this something I am choosing because of a value, priority, or fear?”

2. Revisit an Old Dream

What it is: Check whether your current goals still belong to your current self.

Why it works: Sometimes we continue chasing dreams created by a younger version of ourselves who had different needs.

How to do it: Ask yourself:

“Would I choose this again today, knowing what I know now?”

3. Pay Attention to Energy

What it is: Noticing what expands you and what consistently drains you.

Why it works: Your body often recognizes alignment before your mind can explain it.

How to do it: At the end of the week, write down:

“What gave me energy?”

“What took energy away?”

“What patterns do I notice?”

4. Define Freedom for Yourself

What it is: Creating your own definition instead of inheriting one.

Why it works: You cannot build a free life using someone else’s blueprint.

How to do it: Complete this sentence:

“Freedom feels like…”

Then pay attention to whether your current life creates space for that feeling.

This Independence Day, maybe the question is not only:

“What have I been freed from?”

Maybe the deeper question is:

“What am I now free to become?”

Because a beautiful life is not just one you survived long enough to build.

It is one you consciously choose to keep living.

References

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness. Guilford Press.